Whether you're married, single, in school, or embracing the career field as a woman, it's highly likely you've heard some of these statements. It's also likely you've said some of these to your fellow twenty-something compatriots. If you feel a little hurt about your well-meant sentiments, that's okay. I'm telling you this because I care about you. Your twenty-something women friends care about you, too. We're just a little tired of hearing them. My best friend Makyla and I were discussing these and initially I only planned to do 10, but after hearing her experiences with unsolicited questions, we quickly made it to 20!
1. Why are you still single?
It's probably because I ran them off from a pure obsession with my dogs. There just wasn't room for two dogs AND a man.
I haven’t heard this in a while, but I mean we all know the retorts: “I’m a catch, I don’t know,” “I’m lovable but crazy,” “You tell me.” Stop pulling women into this bubble that makes them want to create reasons as to why something is wrong with them. There’s nothing wrong! People have different personalities and to be honest, most of us aren’t taught how to deal with different personalities in a healthy way. Sure we learn to be respectful and polite, but we don’t all have a natural coping mechanism for terrible personalities. And that’s being real.
2. Have you found a boyfriend yet?
Actually yes, he's imaginary but I think we have a bright future ahead of us.
I haven’t had a whole lot of experience with this since Nicholas and I have been together for almost a decade, but I’m not surprised at how many of my friends have. For the most part it comes from parents or distant aunts and uncles doing the absolute most to be nosey for no reason. Like listen, Linda, if I had a boyfriend, he certainly wouldn’t be playing hide and seek around the family holidays, now would he? No. And how do you know they're even searching for a sig o? Don’t assume.
3. You’re wearing that?
I have it on, do i not?
I most definitely had no intention of changing before, but thanks to your dubious efforts, I’m definitely going to second guess myself for the rest of the day instead of sauntering around in blissful confidence. This is not to be confused with the mom version of the statement. The mom version is specifically for 16 year-old you wearing that halter top with spaghetti straps after spending two hours in the bathroom doing your makeup to end up looking like the Lisa Frank tiger.
4. When are you going to have kids?
When I can teleport to outer space like the Jetsons.
No but seriously, when I dang well please! Kids are not the only path to familial worth, and they’re expensive af. Every time I hear my parent friends talk about the cost of daycare, I feel my ovaries dry up. I joke about this all the time, but if I'm paying 1000 dollars a month for daycare, we're all living there. I can survive off of juice boxes and animal crackers.
5. Are you alright? You look really tired.
Well I spent last night crying over whether or not my dogs loved me so I guess I'm alright, thanks.
Of course I'm fine, Donna. Do you see me blowing my nose or sneezing up a storm? I decided not to wear any makeup today to let my face breathe, but it’s cool, I’ll just continue to spend an ample amount of money to feel like I can be socially acceptable every day. Thanks for pointing out that on the one day my personality shines but my face doesn’t, something must be wrong with me.
6. What, I was just joking!
And this is just me deleting you from my life. Delete, delete, delete.
This is usually after something disgusting and inappropriate so I’m just going to leave that here.
7. You could be so pretty if you just x y z....
You mean if I tried every day? Pass.
Nah, I’m pretty the way I am because I’m happy with myself. Stop pointing out the foolishness that is I could be pretty. Pfft, I am. This would have also been good advise for teenage me, sigh.
8. Did (brother, father, uncle, male subject) help you do this?
I'm pretty capable of putting together IKEA furniture by myself, thank you very much.
Maybe a male did help me do something handy. The point of me showing you something I’ve accomplished, though, is not for you to question me for your own reassurance or understanding of my womanly handiwork.
9. Are you on your period?
My uterus decided to reward me for not getting pregnant, so that's a heck yes!
This is one of the most annoying, and if anyone asks (because yes they still do) I will proceed to go into a full work down of my uterine system and just how miserable my life is when it’s fully functioning every month. This is a special conversation for those who don't have periods.
10. Did you get enough to eat OR/AND ALSO you’re eating all of that?
Mind your business.
I’ll eat what I want to eat on this plate. There are starving kids in Africa? Fly over there and feed them, then. If that’s your response, how is this ONE PRECOOKED MEAL going to make it all the way over there? Yes, you’re now using logic and you’re right! IT WILL NOT MAKE IT. Let me fill up my stomach in peace.
11. You could find someone if you didn’t x y z ...
If I didn't slowly kill off my Sims? Nah, I don't want that kind of life partner.
But, that’s the whole point. I’m doing me and someone else doing them will meet me and we’ll do us. Well that sounds a little sketch, but you get the point.
12. Do you like men, like are you a lesbian?
I'm a Whovian.
I don’t know when single starting equating to same sex attraction but this is a whole no for anyone whose sexual orientation has been made perfectly clear (and even if it hasn’t).
13. I can hook you up with my neighbor’s uncle’s stepson’s best friend.
Does he come with a one million dollars? Because that's the only way I'm going to be interested.
Whoa, hard pass on the extra effort sought out to avoid singleness! Didn’t know my singleness was affecting your personal life so much that you need to pull out those heavy connects and starting giving them out like gifts!
14. Lower your standards.
I'd rather just keep trying to lower my hand from my mouth to this bowl of kettle corn, thanks.
I believe the famously quoted Coco Chanel said it best, “A girl should keep her standards and her heels high.” I’m only keeping one of those things high and I guarantee you it’s NOT the heels (kitten heel til i die).
15. So and so is married/has a s/o why don’t you?
Because I’m not them?
Comparing your children/friends/relatives to others is a really crappy way to say you wish they’d be something other than themselves. And obviously, everyone does not have the perfect version of their life on display 24/7. You don’t know what’s even going on with the people you’re comparing.
16. Maybe you should lose a little weight.
Makyla said someone really told her that. I had thought of this, but went surely, no one has had the caucasity. And no, caucasity is not a typo because it's completely pertinent to the nature of this comment.
17. You just need to get loose and have fun!
*Insert Chloe going to Disney gif here*
Sure knowing a bunch of people in the biblical sense might be a lifestyle you’re living, but that’s not my ideal way to quite literally light a fire under my butt.
18. If you don’t have kids by this age then you are going to have to adopt.
I’m all for adopting kids, but not as a result of fomo.
This is a weird slight for the whole adoption process, because it’s tedious and can take years. Like how many people do you know just adopting kids left and right? Because I sure don't. And the people I do know practically exhaust every ounce of their being just to prove they're worthy, when they're more than worthy any day of the week.
19. You should have your life together by now.
By together, you surely mean I should be living in the backyard of Chip and Joanna Gaines?
Because that's the only life I can imagine where my life is completely together at any point in the time continuum. I literally need Chip knocking out walls and Joanna designing my boho room while we walk through the aisles of Target.
20. When I was your age, I was already doing x y z ...
Okay cool but do you want a cookie or a sticker?
Once again, comparisons suck. And just because humanity is in a constant state of moving forward doesn't mean our lives are any easier or harder to deal with than what has been dealt with already. It just means we do what we do a different way because we've adapted. I consider myself a millennial and I know our life is not the norm, nor do I expect it to be. It just got to a point where we felt like we were kind of, maybe, possibly, living an okay life. So don't add that added pressure. Trust me we have enough.
If you like this or have more to add, let me know in the comments! Follow me on Instagram for my every day struggles and a chuckle or two.